Don’t look at me with that expression. I did not do anything wrong. I have no control over when I’m going to feel sick. You are making me feel like I did it on purpose. My health is not completely fine, you know that. I feel quite ill if I eat, anything and everything. The only thing I can control right now is the amount of food I consume. I really do not know what or why all of this happens. It has no name. It is true that I should probably go see a doctor, but I’m afraid. I haven’t been to one for more than a year now. I do not know if that’s a good thing or not. But, well . . . it is the truth. I have developed a fear for food, it has gotten better in the past few months, I agree. But, that doesn’t mean it’s gone, does it?

In the past I would throw up every single day, not just once. It all began with me being unable to cope with stress and a couple of other problems. I began to binge eat, and all that I ate was junk. The amount of food I consumed in such a short span of time scared me. After a point my body refused to take in any more food. It had been abused enough. I threw up whatever little I ate. I would end up in the closest washroom I could find to throw up. It’s true that all of this has been traumatic both not physically but also mentally. Later on it did not really matter if my body had any food in it at all. I got tired of having to throw up this often. I gave up eating and survived on liquids and chocolate bars for the sugar. Nothing worked however hard I tried. I really, really, wanted to stop throwing up somehow.

When my stress and problems began to reduce I began to eat minute amounts of food at intervals just to feel better about all this ‘drama’. I tried my best always to try not to throw up from then on. I just psyche myself into believing that I’ll be ok. When my throwing up eventually stopped and my consumption of food got better I was really happy. There are also days where I feel like stabbing myself in the stomach and tearing it apart. But that’s just wrong. My only policy now is to eat whatever I can but eat as little as possible. I just do not want to keep throwing up. In the process of all this I lost two kilograms very unnaturally. I have taken this to be a good thing though, as I’m now able to slip into clothes that I previously couldn’t dream of. With this, I’m afraid of gaining back the wait I lost and end up checking my weight oh too often. Even thought a lot has improved, the fact is I’m still ill. Both mentally and physically. And I have no clue how to fix it.